Love, I have wounds,
Only you can mend,
You can mend.
I guess that’s love,
I can’t pretend,
I can’t pretend.
(Tom Odell — Can’t pretend)
The young man in the room slowly undresses. His hands shakes. He takes his time. A way like another to reassure himself, he folds his clothes one by one unhurriedly on a table near the bed, despite the angst which ties his stomach. In underwear now, he sits on the bed, rubs his elegant hands on his thighs with nervousness. He would prefer to be somewhere else but he has no other choice. He tries to forget why he is here and the reason which pushes him to do that. He looks the room around while he waits, a banal hotel room as we find some thousand through the world. Impersonal and without soul. The curtains are closed and he can’t see the view, but it is without importance. He didn’t want to go on and on.
To calm his fear, he obliges himself to breath slowly and deeply. His mouth is dried by the angst. He listens the noise of the door which is opening. He gets up as soon as, his heart beating strongly in his throat, to cope his visitor. The man is rather well dressed, with a classic suit. A businessman probably in lack of company. The mature man enters and puts his stuffs, an attaché case and a cloak on the armchair near him. Then without other preliminaries, without introducing himself, comes and hugs him. He pins him against the wall and starts to kiss his neck, his shoulders. Becoming more and more insistent. Hands strokes his skin. Searching to intrude in his inner self. He stands this foreigners lips on his body that he doesn’t desire. Closing his eyes to hide his disgust. But when he feels an hand slides under the cloth, spreading his butts while a swaggering finger penetrates him, it is more that he can accept. He tries to repulse the stranger.
He tries to free himself from the hug. He can’t. He can’t do that one more time. He searches to escape the invasion of this hands which has no tenderness. With a gesture more violent, he pushes the man who doesn’t seem to listen to him and seems in contrary to take pleasure to his resistance. Despite the man be physically more stronger than him, he successes to free himself.
“I say no ! I am sorry I can’t.”
The frustrated man from anger, slap him in the face and pushes him again against the wall without careless.
“What is your problem ? Do for what you are payed. I get my money worth. So you will do what we wait from you. Now go on your knees and sucks me like a good boy. Understood ?”
And without waiting an answer, he starts to unbutton his pants.
Listening the words of his customer, anger invades him. Bringing his clothes in a jumble, he leads to the door. The man tries to stop him. But his undone pant prevents himself from doing it.
“Takes you money back ! I don’t want anything from you.”
In saying that he throws the bills that he has gone out from his clothes hurriedly at the face of the man. The businessman in anger shouts a succession of epithets the one more injurious than another.
“Well ! Fuck off ! Some little whore like you, I can find them as I want. It’s easy !”
Without answer, he gets out holding so tight his clothes from now creased against him. As if they could defend himself against the violence and the ugliness of this moment. He makes some paces in the hallway, but his legs doesn’t support him. He slides on the ground and sobs from mixed fear, angst and relief.
When the sobs takes end, he stays exhausted a long moment in the empty hallway. Then he dresses and leaves the place, the hopeless heart. He moves in the night. He passes the streets of the town without looking where he goes. The hazard brings him on a bridge. He looks at the river which runs slowly under him. But he doesn’t pay attention to the light reflexion of the moon which waves in the water. His thoughts are somewhere else. He thinks to his deceased mother. She was the only one to understand who he is. The dreams he had. In this moment, he misses her so much. The tenderness and the heat of her arms, her eyes always trusting and loving.
« Why did you forbid me ? » He thinks raising his eyes on the moon. His face raised, he closes his eyes feeling on his skin the breeze like a cold caress who appease him. For how many time ?
His head spins. He feel dizzy. He has not eaten since some days. All his money that he had, served to pay a part of the debts of his father. All is gone : his money, his scholarship. The money of his part-time job. But it is not enough. His father, how much he hates this man, is the cause of his misfortune. He ties the balustrade so strong that his phalanx comes white. Obsessed by game and alcohol, day after day his addictions pushed him to lost all and to get into debt. Bringing his family in a infernal spiral which be the cause of her mother’s death. He will never forgive his father. Never. By his fault, he is obliged to prostitute himself. After his father has fleed, the father’s creditor, a Godfather who calls himself « The Albanian » menacing him and beating him, he has no other choice. He tried to find other solution. But the debt is so high and the gangster doesn’t let him any respite.
From now on, he has nothing. Being unable to pay his studies of medicine, he stops all. Putting aside all his dreams. Being unable to pay his student room, he has no home. Succeeding from time to time to find a place to sleep in the house of some rare friends he keeps again. But living the most of the time in the street. All by the fault of his father. That he goes to Hell ! Cause of him his life turned from Heaven to Hell, seeing all persons and things he loved be destroyed : his family, his dreams, the promise of a future.
But he can’t anymore. He feel so exhausted. He would like all this stops. He dreams to find again the caresses of his mother on his cheek when the life was soft and easy. Her smile when he came home. Find again the light. He feels so tired. Since he lost his room, he has no night of peace. To live in the street is a fight of each moment. Street is not tender with anyone. He is cold and hungry. Looking the river under him, he thinks that sometimes it will be easy to let him slide. He feels his body like attracted, hypnotized by the water. What can he lost ? After all, he has already lost all. He bends to look the water which flees. He seems he can see a face. The one of his mother who smiles to him. He smiles too trying to come closer. He hold out his arms to touch her. She calls him. He doesn’t feel the cold and the hunger anymore.
“I come Mum, don’t worry.”
He hears a call again. He sees a light. He feels arms who hugs him tenderly.
Then the dark…