When you hold me, when you hold me in your arms
Oh when you hold me, yeah I can feel your heart
When you hold me, when you hold me in your arms
Oh when you hold me, yeah I can feel your heart beating
Suddenly I’m standing on a treetop up so high
And all the songs, and all the poems, suddenly they’re right
And I’m dumbfounded by the breadth of your self control
But I don’t care ’cause you’re here, and you and I both know
(Tom Odell, Hold me)
They did it. Colin looks at Jared who stands up. He is dressed already, wearing just a housecoat in white silk. That almost lets saw his form under the cloth by transparency. Searching under an apparent serenity some stuffs in a drawer. But it was appearances, only appearances. Colin looks at Jared with a solemn expression. They did it. Yes. But it was not what he has expected.
The body of Jared didn’t respond at all. Yes, they did it. But it was frustrating for both of them. Colin has enjoyed the sex until he understood that Jared was unable to find his pleasure. Enslaved by the act Colin did it to his release. Yes, his release not the one of Jared. None of them were happy in the end. Colin was rather ashamed of himself to be unable to stop, when he understood the state of Jared. After the act, Jared stay in silence, just turning his back to Colin. Then after a moment, leaving the bed for the bathroom.
Colin at least would have preferred that Jared shouted after him, hit him, fought against him rather that this deep and heavy silence. Colin gets up naked and arrives behind Jared. He dares to put softly his hands on the shoulder of Jared.
“Jared please talk too me. I plead you, let me know what you feel. Did I hurt you ? Where did I fail with you ? What was my mistake ?”
“Your mistake ? You didn’t make any mistake. Don’t you understand ? It is not you. It’s me ! I… I… I am dead inside.”
Jared said. Tears start to fall.
“My body is so cold inside. Arslan killed me. I am unable to feel anything.”
“No Jared ! No ! It is not true.”
“Yes, it is true ! You saw it, no ? Don’t lie to me.”
“Please Jared ! Listen please ! I don’t lie to you. Your body is not dead. It is just asleep. You just need time. Maybe our mistake was to do it too early. You just need more time.”
Colin takes Jared in his arms. This latter comes willingly.
“I love you Jared.”
Seeing a total surprise in Jared’s eyes, he continues :
“Since the first time I saw you, I fell in love with you.”
Seeing Jared ready to talk, Colin stops him.
“I don’t ask you anything. Don’t feel obliged to…”
Before he has time to finish his sentence, Jared hugs him so tight with unexpected force. Surprising Colin. Jared has put his face on his shoulder and he can feel the lips of Jared. He whispers against his skin.
“Please help me ! I feel like if I am becoming crazy. Hold me tight. Save me from myself and make me feel alive again.”
“I promise you I will.”
They stay a long moment like that. Taking reassurance in each other. After a moment, Colin dares to ask.
“Why didn’t you stop me ?”
“I have been so many time used like a mere object…”
Colin takes Jared’s head between his hands, obliging him to cross his gaze.
“How can you think that I am like all those men ?”
“I know but… You do so much for me.”
“Never dare to do that again. If I do something that you don’t want, stop me, say it. I want to know how you feel. To know what you think. You are not a mere object but a man with his own desire. You don’t owe me anything.”
“My own desire.”
Jared repeats laughing with bitterness.
“I thought I have some and see the result. I am not even a man anymore.”
“Time heals all wounds, Jared. Be patient. And trust me.”
“I trust you. I will always trust you.”
Yes, time heals all wounds and Colin is ready to do all he can to help Jared. From this night, Colin decided to not make love with Jared anymore until he was ready. He wants to erase the disaster of this first night. And give to Jared the happiness he deserves. He will not give up until he succeeds.
Despite all, life continues. Each one being busy with their own activities. Like Danny predicted, the success came quickly for Jared in his new job. Travelling often through USA and even Europe where he starts to be famous. This new life pleases him a lot even if it is really tiring. The most of the time, he has good relationship with the other models. He can’t avoid some jealousy, but he doesn’t care. Not paying attention to that.
He meets from time to time, André on shooting for magazine or on show. He likes a lot this man, and soon they became friend. André makes him laugh a lot. He is always surprised how people mistake him for a girl. Giving rise to comical situation. He remembered once, they were both on a « french café », the maid asked to Jared what he and his girlfriend wanted. André winked at me and played the game. It was so funny to see the face of the maid when he realized the truth. André likes to say that he has a mind for business and a body for sin. And it was so true. Managing his carrer like a true business man. And playing to confuse people all the time.
Jared on his side, never forgot that his first dream was to heal people. And he never totally gave up this idea. He has a project and he spoke about it with Colin. This one encouraged him to do it. Saying that it was a good idea and ready to help him financially.
Jared wanted to create a humanity association to help the prostitutes. This association will bring them a refuge where they will find as well as a medical than a juridic help. To give them a chance to get out of this ordeal and to begin a new life. He wanted to give to other the same chance he had when he met Colin. And he asked to Colin if he wanted to be the proposer of this one.
He took this decision after he learnt the death of a young prostitute named Alexander. After he was saved by Colin, he tried without success to find him. When he read the news in a newspaper, this saddened him so much. A little article who passed almost unnoticed. Alex was the only one who stretch his hand when he fell in the underground world of prostitution. The young man, despite his own problems, was always there for him, sustaining him when Jared felt so weak and unable to support this life anymore.
Sometimes at night waiting for costumers, they shared their dreams. Once Alex said to Jared that he wanted to buy a house for welcoming and helping all people who were abused and fall in prostitution system. His home will be there to permit at this people to come for a break or a talk, to find a refuge for one night or for more. To look at a new dawn with hope. In memory of his friend, he wanted to realize his dream. And he decided to call this association New dawn. When Jared opened the New dawn home, he made put commemorative slab on the hall wall :
In memory of Alexander who dreamt about a new dawn, a new hope for all.
Colin helped him to build his project and grace to his business relationship, he found quickly the necessary means to make his project real. After some months the association opened. The team is consisted of an analyst, two caseworkers and a lawyer. It was a beginning but they hope with time the team will grow up and succeed in their mission.
Cause of his job, Jared can’t manage the association himself, but he lets the direction in the hand of Jarvis, one of the caseworker. Each time, his schedule permits him, he goes to help. Even if he knows that the path to get out of this world is tough and full of traps.
His own path was more easy than other because he was helped by the love of Colin. And because he didn’t fall in the trap of drug. But lot of prostitutes have to deal with this problem. The only way for some of them to bear this life. But also a lot of drug addicts fell in this way simply to get their fix. Each of these persons have so many different stories. So many reasons to be fallen in this world, with in the end the same result. And it is all the difficulties for helping them.
Each time, Jared comes back to help in the association. Colin notes his change of mood. Jared always falls again in silence. The reason why Colin doesn’t like at all that Jared did it. He knows he wants to help. But in another side, Jared needs help too. And he is not strong enough yet, to deal with all the suffering of “his guests”. Like he likes to call the persons who come in New dawn.
Strangely, the only one who succeeds to ease the sadness of Jared during this moment is Henri. And that annoys Colin. Of course, he is pleased that Henri could help Jared. But in the same time, he can’t help himself to be jealous. To fell unable to help him hurts a lot.
Since “this night”, even if Jared asked for his help, Colin has the feeling Jared avoids him. It is not really that Jared avoids him. But he keeps hidden from him a lot of things. Like his stories. Colin wanted to read them, but Jared always refused. He decided to create an account on LJ too, under the name of Black_Knight, to be able to read them in secret. He feels stupid, acting like a schoolboy. But, what other choice he has. He doesn’t want to force Jared, but he wants to understand Jared better and he thinks in reading his stories maybe that will help him. But until now, he was too busy to do it.
This week, Jared is in travel again for a shooting. The day of his leaving, Colin decides to take some time for himself. In the evening, he feels strongly the absence of Jared. He opens his laptop and types the address of Jared on LJ, and starts to read his journal, finding a story calls Broken Life.
Starting the first chapter, he is surprised by Jared’s writing. He is not an expert but he finds it really good. Taken by the story, he couldn’t stop to read until the end. The story tells the story of a young man obliged to prostitute himself, even if Jared changed some details he understands quickly that Jared speaks about his own experience. For him, a way to overcome this ordeal, in a sense.
As soon as, he enters in the story, he feels his heart ready to break. The details of the tricks, night after night. The beating from his pimp, costumers or other prostitutes jealous of him. Such darkness, and violence for a young life. Even the rare moments of light : the friendship with Alexander, or some funny anecdotes can’t hide the despair of such a way.
George enters in the room with a trail of food. As soon as he looks at Colin, he understands something is wrong. He starts to dress a table for two persons when Henri arrives. In seeing Colin, Henri exchange a questioning look with George who shrugs, to say he doesn’t know what’s happened.
Colin lost in his thoughts looks at Henri with perplexity.
“What ? Oh ! Hi, Henri !”
“What’s happened ?”
Henri sits near Colin and seeing Jared’s LJ on the screen he says with an awkward tone :
“Oh, you read it.”
Colin looks at Henri puzzled then frowns.
“Did you know about that ?”
“Yes, Jared sent me the link for reading it some weeks ago.”
“The story is so sad, isn’t it ? Jared is really a strong young man to survey all that” — says George.
Colin sends him an astonished look.
“You too ?”
“Jared has a real talent to write stories, hasn’t he ?”
“Why, for God’s sake, are you two allowed to read it when Jared forbids me ?”
The two other men shares an embarrassed look and Henri adds :
“Jared didn’t want you to know the details of his past life.”
Colin gets up with anger.
“But you two, you can. What is it mean ? Doesn’t Jared trust me enough ?”
“It is not that Colin. I think Jared didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Or maybe he was ashamed about it and afraid of your reaction.” — adds George.
“I can’t believe it. It’s insane.
“Don’t be too rude with him. Jared has suffered enough. “— dares to say George.
Colin sends him a murderer look.
“I am sure Jared did that to protect you.”
Colin looks at Henri.
“To protect me ? Are you kidding me ?”
After this talk, Colin was really upset, almost ready to call Jared for having an explanation. But he decided to wait his return, he doesn’t want to disturb him doing his job.
After the dinner, he decides to work in his desk room. But he can’t concentrate on his folder. Finally he returns on Jared’s LJ. He remembered in reading the reviews that he has seen the name of Fallmar. And decide to contact him by this way. Some minutes later, he receives an answer to his demand. Fallmar gives him rendez-vous on Skype in one hour.
One hour later, Colin find himself in front of his screen looking at the face of Fallmar.
This one say hello with some nonchalance.
“Hi man ! What do you want bro ?”
His calm attitude make smiles Colin.
“Eh, man ! Open fire ! I can’t help you if you don’t explain me the problem.”
“What let you guess that I have a problem ?”
“Bro, for what other reason would you contact me when Jared is working somewhere else ? I am not stupid, you know. So… What is the problem with Jared ?”
Colin sighs this dude seems to read in him like in a book.
“Did Jared speak about something ?”
He asks with worry
“You know the guy, no ? Even a mommy is more eloquent than him.”
Fallmar answers, making smile Colin.
“You’re right !”
And he starts to explain his relation with Jared. Saying all his worry. He doesn’t speak about the night they share. He stays vague enough to not betray the trust of Jared. But he lets speak his heart.
It seems at first stupid to speak like that. Him, the warrior able to face all situation. Yes it is right ! But to be in mission and to cope with the suffering of the person you love, it is a different matter.
After the talk he feels better and discovers a nice guy. He understands why Jared is always in a good mood after a talk with Fallmar.
This talk helps him to make some order in his mind. He knows from now on what to do.