Destruction is his game.
I need a new direction,
Cause I have lost my way.
All we need is faith
(Thirty Seconds to Mars – End of all days)
It’s been already about fifteen days that Jared is on Ho’ola. Physically he feels better even if almost each days nightmares invade his nights. The marks on his body has faded little by little but not the ones on his soul. More than once Colin came the night to wake him up and reassured him. But he never stays all the night like the first time. Sometimes he stayed and talked a moment with Jared. Most of the time, this discussion helps Jared to fall asleep again. Strangely more his body heals, more his soul seems to fall apart.
Colin, seeing his state, has called a doctor from a close island. This one gave to Jared some sleeping pills and recommended Jared to see an analyst. But Jared doesn’t know if he will do it. To see an analyst is to face a certain reality, his reality. And he is not ready yet. Dark thoughts crosses his mind. The most of the time, Jared tries to avoid them. But insidiously, they infiltrate his mind to tease him without mercy. Sometimes he would like to fall in a deep sleep and to never wake up again.
For the moment, Jared lets himself bear by the events. He has not the force anymore to fight. And let Colin and Henri support him and take all the decision about his life. He knows it is an easy way. But he doesn’t even know what he wants to do with his life from now on. He is not even sure he wants to take his study again. When his father took the decision to flee, his life has been devastated for ever. He needs time to rebuild himself. He feels empty. He feels as if his body was a total stranger even for himself. Like if he was dead inside. He feels nothing, avoiding all physical contact.
Each time someone, by accident, touches him, he makes a move to escape it. Feeling some repulsion, disgust. A kind of dizziness. As if the touch burnt his skin. He can’t help himself. Feeling some irrational fear each time. He doesn’t support anymore to be touched, even by himself. To say the truth, he hates his own body. The perception he has of this one. Reason why, he hides it under long clothes. To make it disappear. He doesn’t want his body to be desired from now on. He feels so cold inside. Avoiding mirrors, because his reflect is too painful. What he saw in his eyes, from now on, is only suffering and ugliness.
Each morning, he has the same routine. He wakes up, goes to the bathroom, share the breakfast with Colin and Henri, sometimes, and goes to a walk on the beach. The same gestures, all days. This, appeases him in a way. After that, he takes a book and goes to hide himself in a nice place he has discovered in the garden. Vegetation around him is like a refuge, away from prying eyes. There, he feels safe.
Colin seems to understand he needs time. And keeps his distance. Often, Jared discovers new stuff in his bedroom. New clothes, new books who has been put in for him by invisible hands. Like if a guardian angel takes care of him. Even if he didn’t dare to ask he knows Colin is behind that. More that once he asked what Jared needed. And invariably, Jared did the same answer in an indifferent tone : Nothing. After a time, Colin stopped to ask and the gifts appeared in his room. Like as many offerings to a God. This thought makes Jared smiles. And in the same time saddens him. If he was a God, Adrian and Arslan will be dead now. If he was a God nobody would have dared to hurt him or his mother. If he was a God, his father will be in Hell.
Since his arrival in Ho’ola, Colin always treats him with respect. He learnt to appreciate and to like the man. He discovered that this one is a hard worker. Waking up early, he passes all the days in his desk room, working. Often after the dinner, he returns to his work. The most of the time, he sees him during the meals he shares with him and Henri. But this day, for the lunch only Henri is there. Astonished, Jared dares to ask :
“Where is Colin ?”
As usually, Henri answers in his laconic way.
“On the continent for business.”
Jared frowns. And adds almost accusing :
“Why are you not with him ? You are his bodyguard.”
“Colin put me in charge of your security.”
Henri answers without other explanation. In hearing that, Jared is vexed and he feels a knot in his stomach. His vexation is so high, he can’t eat and he plays with the food in his plate. Seeing his reaction, Henri adds :
“He will come back soon. In two days.”
Jared, keeping his thought for himself, just nods in answer. But this doesn’t calm him. All the day and the night, his distress lasts. And he knows, it will stay until Colin came back.
Two days later in the afternoon, Colin is back. As soon as Jared learns about it, he goes to his desk room and enters in the room without knocking :
Seeing Jared enters, he gets up with a smile to say hello.
“What can I do for you ?”
Jared full of anger, accuses him :
“Are you insane ? Why did you do that ?”
In total surprise, Colin looks at Jared without understanding the problem.
“Do what ?”
“You left. Letting Henri here. You are stupid ! And who will protect you if Adrian searches to harm you or worse ? Are you totally insane ? “
Jared continues to scold him with anger like if he was a child. Colin, with open mouth, is frozen on place. He didn’t expect that kind of reaction from Jared. This one, all these last days, seemed to show only indifference with all people around. Lost in his own world. And suddenly this. Jared in front him seems totally jolted.
“It is silly. It is totally silly.”
Jared finishes with some tears in his eyes. And without letting Colin to answer, he flees from the room in running.
Colin calls :
“Jared ! Wait !”
But this one doesn’t listen him anymore. Henri arrives at this moment.
“What’s happening here ?”
“I don’t know. Jared seems disturbed by the fact I let you here.”
“Oh, yes. Yesterday he was vexed when I explained your leaving.”
“I will go and see him.”
Henri takes him by the arms.
“Wait Colin, I have some news. Jared’s father have been found. We put him under supervision as you asked.”
“Good job ! But we will talk about that later.”
Henri nods and Colin goes and searches Jared. On his way, meeting a domestic who tells him where Jared is. Arrived in front of the door of the Jared’s bedroom, he knocks. No answer.
“Jared ! Open the door ! I know you are here.”
“I come in.”
And he does what he says. The door is not closed and the room is dark. Blinds have been lowered to avoid the sun. When his eyes adapt to the darkness, he distinguishes a form on the bed. Jared is curled on the bed, a pillow in his arms. Colin goes to put his hands on his shoulder but stops knowing how much Jared doesn’t like to be touched.
“Jared, please !”
“Let me. I want to be alone.”
Finally Colin sits on the bed near him.
“Jared, why did you react like that ? What do you fear ?”
“What do I fear ? You dare to ask.”
Answers Jared in sitting and wrapping his arms around his knees.
“You take risks and put your life in danger cause of me. I don’t deserve it. I am nobody.”
In listening that, Colin is shocked.
“How could you say that ? It is not true. You have a lot of value for me. And by the way, I have other men to take care of my security. Do you believe that Henri will let me go like that ? “
Jared asks like a child who needs reassurance.
“Is it true ?”
“Yes, it is true. And I don’t want you think you are nobody. Never say that again. Don’t let the behavior of Arslan and Adrian destroys you. You’re a good person. And you are a person of value, never let anyone doubts about that.”
“I don’t know how to thank you for all you do for me. But don’t worry, I will pay back the debt of my father. Maybe it will take time but I will do it. I swear you.”
“Why will you do that ? It is not your concern. Your father has to pay for that. Not you. You have done nothing.”
Colin cuts Jared and says :
“No. I don’t run after this money. I am enough at ease financially to even support this lost. So don’t worry about that. It is the problem of your father, alone. And if you want to thank me : be my friend, and let me help you.”
And he adds :
“It is what friends do. No ? To help and to take care of each other. “
“Yes, I guess.”
After a silence.
“I have an idea. Why don’t we celebrate my return tonight ? I know a nice place in Honolulu. This will change our mind.”
At the sole idea to leave the island, his refuge, Jared feels anxiety comes back.
“I… I am not sure.”
“Jared you can’t continue to hide yourself. It is not healthy. Sooner or later, you have to confront the rest of the world. “
“I know, but… “
“But nothing” — Cuts Colin. — “Come with me… Please.”
In front of Colin’s insistence, Jared accepts finally.
“Fine. Be ready for eight.”
He says, while he is exiting the room. A long moment after his leaving, Jared continues to look at the closed door. He couldn’t believe his luck to have met someone like Colin. He doesn’t want to lost him like he lost his mum. He felt such a panic when Henri said him about the departure of Colin. He doesn’t understand why he reacted so strongly. But what he is sure from now, he will do all to take care of him. « It is what friends do. No ? To help and to take care of each other. » Yes. Finally, he has found an aim. He knows what he has to do.
The next day, Jared thinks about the party of the evening before. It was a nice moment of sharing. All the tensions released this night. They went to Honolulu by speedboat. Ate in a luxurious restaurant. When he thinks about, he realizes how much his life has changed since he met Colin. From Hell to Paradise. All was perfect, last night. He even laughed a bit about the silly jokes of Henri.
It is justly this one he wants to see. He knows at this hour, he is training in a special part of the property. Jared never went there until now. Almost avoiding it. He follows a path who brings him to a place where has been built a shooting range. Henri is firing. He waits until this one has finished. And he draws his attention. If Henri is surprised to see him there, he doesn’t show it. He says :
“Colin is not here.”
“I know. It is not him I search, but you.”
This time Henri lets show some surprise.
“What can I do for you ?”
“Could you learn me to use it ?”
He says in showing the weapon he has in his hand. Henri frowns but answers :
“Really ? Why this sudden interest ?”
“I want to protect Colin.”
Henri can’t help himself not to smile with some mockery in his eyes.
“What ? It is not funny. I want to be able to help, in case. I don’t want to be a burden for him.”
“This mind honors you. But it is not a video game you know. If you fire someone with that it is for real.”
“Do you think I am stupid ? I know that.”
Seeing the determination in his gaze, after a silence, he says :
“Fine. As you wish. Come here.”
And Henri starts to explain the difference between the guns on a table. How to hold a weapon. How to fire. Jared has never held a weapon before and he is surprised by the weight. His first shootings were not good, of course. But Henri showed him his fault and the next time, he becomes more precise. For this time, the lesson was short but in the end Jared has taken some assurance. And felt more at ease.
“It is enough for today. I am here all days at the same hour. Come as many time as you want.”
As he leaves Henri follows him with his eyes. The « boy », as often he calls him, is surprising. Later, Colin meets with Henri.
“Hey ! You know what ? I taught your « boy » how to fire.”
“First, he is not my « boy », even if I would like a lot it was the case. And second, why did you do that ?”
“Because he asked me.”
“He ask you ! What for ?”
“He wants to protect you.”
“I know what you said. But it is no sense. Jared is too soft for this kind of affair. He will not have the necessary strength to cope with this kind of situation.”
“I know that but he needs it.”
“How so ?”
“I remember very well how I was when you save me. I was lost, afraid. I don’t fear to say it. I had lost all faith in me and other’s. I needed to believe. I needed to think I was helpful. So let him do it. Of course, he is not able to protect you. But maybe it is the first step to the recovery…”
Colin mocking says :
“Do I have to be jealous ? It seems Jared succeed in seducing you.”
“Fuck you man ! I am serious ! You see like me his behavior lately. His gaze without life. Frightened like a mouse.” — Henri answers annoyed.
“I know Henri. Sorry man. I couldn’t resist to tease you. I never saw you so interested in someone else since a long time.”
“Maybe because he reminds too well what I have crossed. Jared has a long path before to heal. He needs help. And if to fire with a weapon can help him. Fine. I will teach him to fire. And if you dare to say a word of our talk to Jared, I break your nose. Understand ?”
“Loud and clear. I would not ruin your reputation of tough guy.” — He answers laughing.
Some days have passed since this discussion, and he has to recognize Jared has changed a little. Even if, always, some sadness remains in his eyes, he seems more present in body and soul. Since their arrival to Ho’ola, Colin is not stayed inactif. He continues to lead at distance his busyness but he follows too Adrian’s affair. And things seem to move from this side. Standing in front of the window of his desk room, he looks at the sea and the paradisiac place outside. Some worries invade his mind. How will Jared react to the leaving ? This one is so fragile in this moment. But, he was also strong enough to survive in the street. So…
Whatever it be, it is time to return. Time to face Adrian again.